" How are you " comment -- Like or not like ?

@Shaz51 oh me and @MJG017 used to avoid this question. It's a tough one to answer so it was more about saying 'hope life is treating you ok' then it was left up to us as to what we wanted to say in response. 

@NightFury and me are similar in that we will say things like 'how's things today' or 'how are you feeling'. Cos we already know that we are struggling but from day to day things might feel lighter or heavier. 

Sometimes I'll avoid posing the 'how are you' question, but instead it's a 'hope you're doing ok'. That way there's no obligation to try to answer it but it's open to them if they want to share 😊

Love the question @Shaz51 .

Honestly speaking, I'm a prolific perpertrator when it comes to "How are you?" "How are things going?" "What've you been up to?"

Why? Because I find it's often a segway into knowing what's been going on for the person. It's an invitation to hear about the challenges and celebrations for people, and it's a conversation stirrer so that either I or others can provide the person support if they needed it, or celebrate with a person for their achievements.

So I can't say whether I like it or not, but I'm open to hearing if there's anyone who definitely HATES being asked How are you? so I can be more careful.

I struggle to answer it sometimes. @tyme @Shaz51 @MissGremlin especially if it's the start of a conversation. When I'm struggling...sometimes the fight between being honest and knowing that my answer may not be recovery focused, is real. Also sometimes I just struggle to know how to explain how I am. 

It happened last night - I struggled to open up and answer when @MissGremlin asked me how I was, and so I deflected it by asking how Dreamy was. This helps me to start finding my words...and then I can eventually answer the question. 

I hope that makes sense. 

@NightFury yes this I completely understand. Being honest is hard cos then it may not be recovery focused. This is why at times it takes me a long time to respond cos I need to pause and word things to make sure it aligns with the guidelines. 

It makes perfect sense sweet and I've done the same thing when I've been asked it. 

@Shaz51the other way me and @NightFury start our conversations is with a simple check in so just saying 'checking in with you today/this morning'.

@Shaz51 I am really glad you asked the question.

I never had it asked genuinely in my first 25 yeas of life, so that is a shame upon my extended family. By the time someone actually did ask, it was mental health professionals.  I was carrying a dreadfully huge load of trauma, and often my mouth would open but no words would come out, cos there was simply just too big a backlog.  So I did become wary and weary of it, as a mechanical opening, if there was no further comprehension or follow up.

I didnt get into false "good thanks" as a response, and went more with the "not too bad".

Lately I have figured out a few answers to offer, so that I can keep being social, true to myself, and not be bogged down by old feelings, of never having my needs respected. So I can cope with the question.  A lot depends on the situation, and the genuiness of the individual asking.

In the last couple years I have had a few people, at an acquaintance level, actually ask me with a spirit of care. It has been surprising and pleasant, but I am careful not overburden them with a big response. Mostly I keep it cautiously optimistic, with undertones of carrying a bit of a load.

I appreciate the discussion @MissGremlin @NightFury @tyme 

@Appleblossom the last part where you said 'I am careful not overburden them with a big response'. This I really resonate with as I fear that being honest about how I feel will be too much for someone to hear and then in turn will push them away. 

@Shaz51 @tyme 

if I’m struggling and someone asks “how are you?” if I respond it will be with ‘I’m fine’ or ‘I’ll be ok’.  
find myself not feeling ok about providing details on what’s happening, how I’m feeling etci tend.
When someone asks “how was your day” or “how are things going” I feel these are more open questions, inviting me to talk about exactly what’s going on, how I’m feeling etc

I tend to say to others “how are things going” or hoping the day has been kind to you

cant say I dislike the words “how are you” @tyme.

it is, however, a question to which I find myself wanting to provide short answer to

There needs to be genuineness behind the question for me @Shaz51  like if your just saying it cause it’s what is expected and it’s rolls off your lips when saying hi, then don’t bother. 

and I guess in a place like online forums it’s hard to read whether a person is genuine or not. But the follow up helps. If you be vulnerable and respond with honesty and people are dismissive, ignore your vulnerability or move on, then I guess ya learn. 

I’ve been burnt many times online and irl. Sometimes it’s just easier to say I’m ok or I’m fine. 

sometimes I’m just not capable of responding at all. And sometimes I desperately need someone to ask me how I am. I actually have a communication card that says I need you to ask me how I am. 

@Shaz51 

I usually treat it as small talk that could lead into a conversation, or could just be something to say just to be polite - depends on who is asking me. It doesn’t bother me either way. 

how about you?

Hey @Shaz51 

I don’t mind being asked but I usually take it as a polite social greeting rather than someone actually wanting to know how I’m doing. I think it really depends on my relationship with the person. If we’re close, I’ll answer more honestly. That beings said I do hope others feel like they can answer honestly when I ask them.  

@Lapis_Anteater , @SleeplessRaven , @Bow , @Flutterbug9 , @MissGremlin @tyme , @NightFury @Appleblossom @Snow_Leopard 

thank you for all your messages to this question 

why I brought it up is because a new member this morning replied to say he did  not like the " are You ok " comment 

My husband and I just talked about this comment and we think it depends on the day , how we are feeling on that day when we are asked , each situation is different 

like what you said @Lapis_Anteater it depends on who the person is 

on the forum it is kind of the same when you make members your friends 

a bit different replying to a new member who you have not spoken to before 

I dislike it. I dislike being asked "How have you been?" too. It's such a bad way to greet someone. Makes me feel uncomfortable, like my mood is being assessed. I would rather they hug me instead. 

Hey @Shaz51 what a great question and this thread as a conversation starter. I can relate to bits out of each response too. And I realise that when on this forum, I am more likely to answer more openly than I am in the general f2f world - because I know people here have experience with MH and it's OK to not be OK. Having said that, in a general-social thread (coffee, highlights, crafts, etc) I am very much less likely to answer open if I am not feeling good - I might understate it or (if there are a number of questions) just respond to other questions instead (deflect, like I think it was @MissGremlin said also).

In face-to-face life, if I think it is purely social (not caring) I will usually say something that is 'technically true' ("not too bad"; or "still here") or else just a small shrug and ask how they are in return instead. If they were to enquire why I shrug it off, I'd take that as a sign of care and maybe be a little more open - this hasn't happened yet though lol. 

If its a good friend, I will be honest with them though and appreciate them asking.

What I do dislike though, is someone who asks and then uses your answer against you or doesn't listen to the answer. I have had a non-descript "I'm still here at least" be passed onto my senior manager and turned back on me as "being negative in the workplace" and reprimanded. That was not OK. But I don't fear that within the context of the forums.

I've also had family members who have asked and I have said "No, I'm not well." and 10min later in the conversation they've said "I'm glad you're doing well" -- obviously not listening to the answer / taking it in. That is also not OK with me.

If I ask a person, it's because I want to know how they are and truely listen to their answer. If someone gives a half-hearted "not bad" or "still here", I'll give a nod and make some form of response that indicates I hear that it's not great for them - which opens the door for them if they want to expand further or not. But at least they know they are heard.

Great reply @AlwaysMyself 🥰

How about you @Jynx 

Thanks for letting us know @FearofUnknown , 

@tyme 

I'm not very good at socialising. Questions like this are the best that I can do

Seriously, if "How are you?" is no longer good enough for society, then I opt-out

@Shaz51 I think I'm similar to @AlwaysMyself in that it's entirely contextual. I try to always say what I mean and mean what I say, so whenever I ask, it is a genuine question - and it's then up to the other person to decide how they wanna respond. When I am asked, I may give a simplified answer in certain contexts - such as a brief meeting, or when there's other things that need to be discussed. Typically I treat it as a simple invitation to converse, and the nature of the relationship dictates how open and vulnerable, or cordial and masked, I am. 

The exception to this is if someone is grieving or super heightened/in crisis. Like I know if I'm mid-point of a major meltdown, it's hard to miss. So if someone asked me in that moment 'How are you' I think I'd wanna scream back, "How do you THINK?" 

Or like, asking a person in the midst of grief, loss or bereavement how they are, yeesh - feels like a bit of a kick in the teeth, you know? 

I think it has a time and a place.  

I used to despise 'small talk'. Now I just try to see it as a potential pathway to big talk 😉

Great discussion thread @Shaz51, the phrase is interesting isn’t it. I find the forum space challenging at times as my biggest cues in communication for me is reading people’s body language, I still feel like perhaps I may not say the right thing but I think it helps with cues on what to say based on people’s body language. I personally feel pretty blinded on the forum as you don’t know how someone is feeling you only have what they write to go on and perhaps you’re the one starting the conversation. It’s tricky isn’t it. (I am definitely still learning here, but have learnt lots already 😊)

Over the years I have known this phrase to trigger people, perhaps because they aren’t doing well, so it’s just a match to the fire? I know “are you ok day” (great initiative I think personally) but I know one of my mates really used to get triggered by the day, stated they are reminded they are not/wasn’t ok. We discussed a lot about that day, this was years ago. We don’t talk often now as we have grown apart just in life/location etc however interestingly this day brings us back together now as we do ask each other how we are going and have a yearly check in, so definitely came full circle for my friend 💛

I think on the forum asking the “how are you” phrase and in general life, be reminded that your intentions were pure and intentions were coming from a place of general care and check in, it can be a bit overwhelming for a receiver to get a negative response of that being a triggering question especially because our intentions were the opposite. I am not sure about you, but I generally worry I might say the wrong thing aswell and try my best to always say the “right” thing, so a response I wasn’t expecting would make me feel I failed in the interaction.

Perhaps the receiver and I could have more of a chat and I’d note for next time that that person was triggered by that phrase and would trial different phrases next time.

I am interested what that the interaction brought up for you @Shaz51?

I’d like to remind you though that you came from a place of caring and I applaud you for even asking these questions, you hold a certain amount of vulnerability when you extend your hand with these questions and thank-you for all you do here, your interactions on the forum don’t go unnoticed, you are a special person here and it wouldn’t be the same without you!

I’d like you to know that I appreciate all our interactions, it always brings a smile to my face 😊

I would also like to share that even though this phrase doesn’t trigger me and I see how it could trigger people, definitely valid. I do have another phrase that triggers me. It’s definitely personal as for most people this is definitely a positive phrase throughout 💜. It’s something I’d like to work on as I want it to be a positive phrase for me again 🫶

@AlwaysMyself @Jynx @MissGremlin @tyme @Bow @NightFury @Appleblossom @Flutterbug9 @SleeplessRaven @Lapis_Anteater @FearofUnknown @DogMan79 

tags to include everyone, no need to respond though 😊

I'm in you with this one @DogMan79 . I'm open to learning, but I'm not a good socialiser either. 

And often, when I ask How are you, it IS genunine. 

I"m glad @Shaz51 asked this question. I will take a mental note of those who really don't like it so I can do my best not to upset anyone.

Sorry in advance everyone! I'll do my best.

Now I'm thinking of a bank of other phrases I can use as a conversation starter.... I'm open to suggestions