Tired

*This is just me venting about harmful thoughts because I need to let it out tonight. I am safe and OK*
So tired of trying. Ups and downs. I feel flat again. I was feeling hopeful, again, but now I'm low again. I want to live a good life but I feel stuck in this cycle of ups and downs. I need to get into a psychiatrist because I just feel helpless at this point in time. I'm not sure why my meds aren't working anymore. I'm not sure what's wrong with me anymore. I do know that it's a miracle I'm still sober, but I'm just filled with so much anxiety that I'm suffering daily with general conversation. I've accidentally misgendered someone tonight in an AA meeting, and a fews weeks ago I stereotyped my coworker and assumed he was gay in conversation which made for an extremely awkward interaction, because they're straight. I need to learn how to filter my words better and I feel like I've really disrespected people lately. My brain is so loud that I'm struggling to just exist and be and tell stories and communicate. I feel so uncomfortable in my skin and scared to exist. It's been a hard month. I feel like having a drink to make the pain go away, but I won't. I feel like my phycologist hates me (that's what my brain is telling me constantly), and it's making it hard for me to return to therapy. I need to talk about this with her. I don't know, I just really needed a space to vent all of this out because I'm struggling tonight and having a dark day. My thoughts are very dark, but I do not want to harm myself. I am just tired of feeling like this and wanting more all the time. I want to do better and be a better person. The world is in a dark place right now and it's adding to my discomfort.. I feel like it's hard to trust anymore right now. 

My Dr is increasing my dosage and hopefully that will help my discomfort, but I'm just feeling a lot of feelings right now.

I just needed to get this off my chest.