Hey @jjanedoe
Also, thanks for the tag @AuntGlow 💚
It takes incredible courage to speak up when you're feeling this isolated and scared. Please know that you aren't shouting into a void - I hear you, and what you're describing sounds incredibly heavy 💚
Living in an environment where you are being financially drained and emotionally torn down is exhausting. Being compared to a biological parent as a way to insult you, especially in front of others, is a form of verbal abuse. It is not your fault that your mum is upset, and it is definitely not your job to be the emotional or financial pillar for adults who are treating you this way.
When that urge to self-harm feels overwhelming, your brain is looking for a way to manage unbearable emotional pain. Since you've stayed away from it for 4 years, which is a massive achievement, you clearly have resilience. If things feel too dark, you can reach out to Lifeline or Beyond Blue. I also recommend, if the urge hits, try to commit to 15 minutes of doing something else, whether that is placing ice on your skin, listening to a loud song, or taking a walk. Sometimes breaking the immediate peak of the emotion can help.
A point I'd like to make is that you're 19 and already paying $300 a fortnight in rent. That is quite a significant contribution. If you are paying for the whole household's necessities on top of rent, you are effectively subsidising your parents' lives while they mistreat you. Something to consider is "grey rocking" when it comes to money. You don't have to have a big confrontation, but you could start by only buying what you need for the week and keeping it separate. If they ask why, a simple "my bills went up, I only have enough for my own food right now" is a complete sentence.
Even if you can't move out today, starting a hidden "freedom fund", even if it's just $10 a week tucked away where they can't see it, can help shift your mindset from trapped to transitioning.
Since home is so loud and hostile right now, try to find other spaces where you can just be without being perceived or yelled at. A library, a quiet park, or even staying back at work for 30 minutes to sit in peace can lower your nervous system's fight-or-flight response.
You've survived a lot already, and the fact that you're reaching out now means a part of you is still fighting for a better life. You deserve to live in a place where you feel safe and respected. Be gentle with yourself tonight 💚
