NRL greats Braith Anasta and Kieran Foran throw their support behind SANE’s Better Off With You campaign

To kick this off I want to share Nathan's story:

“Being strong isn’t about hiding your struggles. It’s about opening up and staying connected.”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EUAlFCaBewM

You can check out Nathan's story and other's here.

Nathan talks about the power of connection - Connection to supports, connection to things that "feed you", connection to one's character, connection to a safe person or a safe place. In the spirit of this, I wanted to ask you all:

What role has connection played in your mental health journey?

Is there something that you're working to connect with currently?

Tagging some people who might be interested in this thread, but please feel free to tag anyone else who comes to mind! @Shaz51 @TAB @StuF @Bill16 @GezzaP @Meowmy @SmilingGecko @MissGremlin @Bunniekins @Judi9877 @PeppyPatti @Jacques @MDT @REDLINEZ750 @DownMoreThanUp @Mustang67 @MJG017 @Oaktree @Till23 @Chasingsunsets @rav3n @Jynx @tyme @ElephantEar3 @RiverSeal @AuntGlow 

@Ru-bee   

@Ru-bee Thanks for tagging me.

@Moose123 @heartathome @ENKELI @Appleblossom 

Connection with others is great also online but as such does have its limitations as well. Still i think what helped me the most visiting depression forums is learning to understand the what and what nots of suffering a depressive illness.

For i quickly learned that depressed people who had let go of hope for better were basically impossible to reach until glimmers of hope lived inside of them again.

i also learned that people who had supportive loved ones in their lives do very much better overcoming depressive times than those who do not have such support in their lives. (Genuine care will always do good to those it is given.)

i also quickly learned to understand that to meet people where they are at while not judging them for being where they are but supporting them being there, is rarely done by (professionals) people looking on. Yet when such support is given to disconnected people, such approaches always cement possessive connections, along which more healing can follow over time.

So yes i'm with you on this - i'm all about connections and us suffering life connecting together against our common enemy.

Let us share our grief, pain and troubles so we can culivate acceptance, togetherness, and loving care instead.

@DownMoreThanUp thanks for tagging me.

@Appleblossom  it hurts my feelings when I am always overlooked when it comes to tagging. 

There are only about 4 out of the 15+ members I interact with on a regular basis that tagging me.

Or seeing a member acknowledge everyone else and not you when you've sent them a personal message.

If I have done this to you please let me know 🙂 xx

@ENKELI @Appleblossom 

Yes it can be hard when people do not see what we have written or support us when what we wrote means a lot or is sensitive. i knw what happens to me at times is that i get side tracked before i get to the person who responded, writing to someone else who also replied first, but then forget about the other one who did.

This is one of the negatives of chatting online. One time, years ago, i was in the middle supporting someone struggling with suicide ideation, and just when she revealed something really personal and sensitive about herself, very much related to her wanted to die, the internet went dead, and i could not get back into contact. (which happened quite regular to us living in the country at the time.) i ended up ringing my wife at work in Town to contact her awaiting my answer online, and support her through that stressful time. Which was very much appreciated by her, but i know such is not always possible.

i found that if chatting with someone close to you, and something like that happens, to ask after their thoughts even if that can feel really unconformable doing at the time. i learned to see that the real situation and my fears about the situation, are hardly ever the same.

@DownMoreThanUp completely understand where you're coming from. There is a member who I have spent time with and often will write a post for them and they have acknowledged others on the same thread but not me. I have decided not to interact with them now as it is too upsetting while I am working through my spirit of rejection feelings. I will cope better once I overcome this problem I'm sure.

🙏😊

@Ru-bee  I really value advocacy for men’s mental health. 
💙

@ENKELI gentle hugs. thank you for including my thoughts from the other thread about feeling overlooked. Please don’t take it as a personal slight. I hope I explained my gratitude on the Christian chat thread. I think a lot my learning on this is opening up and finding those who do try and connect and understand. Maybe I covered my vulnerability too much in my attempts to cope . 

Yes I know It happens to us all @DownMoreThanUp. We have both done a lot of work with marginalised and suicidal individuals but also have our own struggles. We need to be able to be human. It is very difficult to be able to get it right for everyone all of the time. I get it that you try.

Dinner is done. Beef and black bean and my son asked for lots of vegetables.

🙏💙🙏💙🙏🍎

@Appleblossom Yes indeed we all have or strengths and weaknesses. It does not have to be a shame when we understand all of us have weaknesses and strengths.

@Ru-bee @ENKELI @Moose123 @heartathome @Bunniekins @Chasingsunsets 

What i like about meeting different people on these kind of forums is that people with different life experiences and different life views, sex and ages, still can find a meaningful oneness in their suffering down here.

i reckon such is mint!

For depressive lies always divide and isolate us in our difference, within as well as without, but togetherness because  of our suffering shares the truths, strengths and joys of overcoming those depressive lies, despite, if not through, our difference.

Such is the power of connecting i reckon.😁

@DownMoreThanUp mint! I haven't heard that expression in ages! Gosh that brings back memories!

I like how interacting with people who are very different but with one thing in common makes us more tolerant of others. It shows us too that mental illness doesn't discriminate.

And now I have to admit that I have no idea who Braith Anasta or Kieran Foran are...

Thanks @Ru-bee, that was so good listening to Nathan’s story, I really loved the quote of his “don’t let anyone or anything break your spirit” definitely gives you a lot to think about! Thanks so much for sharing, reminds me of this quote also 🙏💜

@ENKELI @DownMoreThanUp @Appleblossom @Bunniekins  

@ENKELI "And now I have to admit that I have no idea who Braith Anasta or Kieran Foran are..."

Not me either!😱

Maybe we will get to know them in time here Down Under (or else in our timeless UP ABOVE!😁)

@Ru-bee @Chasingsunsets @Appleblossom @Bunniekins 

Anyone know who Braith Anasta or Kieran Fora are?

Touche! @DownMoreThanUp 💛

I have seen it written there's only two types of people in the world @Ru-bee 

the diagnosed and the undiagnosed, my first diagnosis requiring medication started age 49.

 the question what role has connection played in my mental health journey.

 it's been an adjustment I'm still getting my head around as connection to me was s threat growing up 

Being liked and known by many while connecting with few worked until entering rooms of psychologists and psychiatrists.

i learnt i had to trust strangers or they couldnt help me and i needed help. 

a life of associating trust with connection made me feel distressed in therapy first up.

turned out i was lucky my first psychologist was trauma informed and so i learned what safe connection felt like in therapy.

That has proven to be monumental in my journey for i have had clinicians that i didn't have an issue saying not feeling it then moving on.

had they been my first experience i would have thrown walls up and not have any of the coping tools or education i have since learnt i definitely would have been cagey towards any other therapist.

i did struggle when i had to change to new psychologist pretty hard, it was out of our control and although part of therapy for ne it felt like losing a valuable friend from connecting only with long term friends before as the connection that was ending i had complete trust instead of my thinking ii done something wrong i listened to them  and accepted it wasn't personal and i wasn't being punished.

The very few people i believed i connected with in my personal, family and work life were all broken within first year of diagnosis and that's when i found SANE forums after a podcast mentioned it.

so grateful i actually did before i forgot

The people i met in the forums although anonymous became very real.

i looked forward to getting back on forum each day to see how they were and the non-judgement, understanding and encouragement was so new to me i  felt part of it though.

knowing the trouble text gets ne in i feared being shunned and like @@ENKELI posted if i didn't get tagged id see rejection and if moderators changed something id feel id ruined a good thing and be unable to open emails or return to forum till  i learned its common thought to new users but not the case.

i  still tried to never leave someone out which soon became difficult no matter the effort .and then if tag support ratio was massively out worried i was annoying and overt tagging.

the connection id seen as a threat my whole life i now thought i was a threat to it & no one had once given me reason too it was my fear of being misunderstood and thinking if family & friends decided was easier turn away than deal with me of course people are going to can me on a computer.

it's a different beast for ne I'm not on Facebook or any of them things so not used to   conversation be exposed to anyone.

id post in the safety felt with a particular forumite or five who id shared a bit with already then, my mind would worry if i said too much and i could even see the parts of a post i shared with someone was going to paint me as a villain to another that didn't know its context.

happened recently after i couldn't connect to a group about connection, yes that's right.

self-compassion was blown straight out the water and in case i wasn't doing a good enough job telling myself where i let good people down i thought for them as well and was convinced id spoken out of school and offended people shown disrespect all of it i didn't even open laptop for 2 days then on the third day doubled down on how rude i had been by not responding or connecting on forum so all the stuff id created thinking id done i now had done idiot i said, told myself they won't even know I'm gone the connection was in my head from wanting to belong they were just being polite glad I'm gone while quietly missing the people i had shared space with each day for months.

day 4 i couldn't sleep had a look at forums very early thinking i won't be noticed, so avoid any responding when upset at the negative responses i had created.

had a massive number under my bell thing and i saw a couple recent i went to thread and saw  i was stupid and causing my own harm to the connections i had from disappearing and people were worried. got two posts in then overwhelmed even just being just being on the forum again and not knowing how to respond to that many tags fairly without missing something coz as soon as i respond to first unattended mention the whole lot mark as read. 

it was five pages deep so by time i got to the top of list id already be pages behind  again looking like i was ignoring when trying to catch up and what if i comment on something 4 days old and cause distress for someone that had forgotten about  four day old stuff  instant overload just rolled over   and went sleep woke up see what was said and thought maybe i can just start from here and saw the support and encouragement for people i want to acknowledge but reality is i cant if i dont know what they are dealing with a lot can change in an hr i been gone four days and that leads to

Q2 is there anything I'm working to connect with currently....

I'm working to reconnect with forebites i showed disrespect by first thinking for them despite them only being kind and not showing up even just to see whets true instead of ruminating on my catastrophic thinking and showing i was ok.

I'm working on connecting to Faith as closely as i should be and have been.

I'm working on connecting with abstinence again by end of year

connecting with myself and my strengths alongside working on my mental health

 connecting to work again without fear of involuntarily trauma responses or at least knowing i can regulate calm when it happenss in any surroundings.

i do know people are free to have an opinion and comment accordingly.

Don't seek validation or need everyone to like me and if i made it unclear above i really aren't troubled by my truth being disagreed with as i know i have a different lens from living a different life i also know if i say something its  from being through it i dont make anything up so why argue what  i  know.

my fear was for the connection to the forum thinking to upset or offend one user loses connection to all.  again, making what i was afraid of real with no reason too.

oh yeah the moderator emails, if you get one be sure to read the bottom line it really changed my perception and helped me understand how necessary they are and appreciate them.

@DownMoreThanUp @heartathome @ENKELI  i have no idea but i dont follow the NRL so there you go.

You've got me for life now  @REDLINEZ750 . I'm a very loyal person and if I pointed a finger at you (judging you), I would have three pointing back at myself! I'm no angel. Connection is scary and people will let you down. I'm afraid that I could let you down one day, but it would be unintentional! These fears can prevent me from connecting as I have rejection and abandonment issues and don't want to feel those emotions. If I don't connect, I'm on my own with my thoughts and that sucks! I hope to see you around the forum today. 💛

@REDLINEZ750 Thanks for sharing your story about this. i resonate with almost everything you say about the hardships of connecting, but most of those kind of feelings and realities connecting i  already overcame before joining SANE. For i  visited a depression sub-forum, as part of an online Christian forum since 2005, and learned all of those lessons about connecting over there. (At times i was too scared to read peoples replies to my posts when i first joined up there. (And even refused to check the forum for days, heeding my fears about what they might say against me revealing things about myself or my opinions, for i was so insecure about myself at the time.))

Sadly the forum changing hands, and it soon become clear to me that it had become an unsafe place to be when mentally ill. So i left the place after spending 16 years supporting mentally ill people, as well as being supported.

@REDLINEZ750 Thanks for sharing about your therapy journey. I know well the significance and the vulnerability it takes to be open and committed to showing up for it. Yes and all the overthinking….

I am glad you had  a decent trauma informed one to start. I have observed some people have bad experiences and it can be tragic if that prevents them from receiving necessary help. Yes, it can be very important for men’s wellbeing. Even the discussion that its alright to reach out, rather than having to shoulder everything alone.

Forumland is its own thing. We are so open and there are such a wide diversity of people who read and may respond. The diversity can be great but we can never be aware of all the possible triggers for others. It does take courage to put oneself out there. I just hope the goodwill is evident and people find levels of tolerance for differences. We don’t even know if the silence in posting by members means they are busy in a good way or really struggling with forum stuff. It is amazing that we can feel the connection and sense of community in an online space. We can’t control it all… yep emails from mods can be distressing, after a while I got used to it and no longer was thrown for a six.

Good to see you back.

@Bunniekins @DownMoreThanUp @heartathome 

Cheers all

💙🦋🌴🌿🥀🐈🐴🍎

Good morning @Appleblossom . I agree that he is very brave putting himself out there and it was wonderful to see that he trusts us enough to share. 

I've already gotten two emails from SANE for using the same word!! :face_with_rolling_eyes: I see their emails as good for guidance and support, without being thrown off the forum instead! I don't feel any anger in the emails, which is good! How are you doing today, Appleblossom?

Feeling quiet in a good way. Yesterday was busy, Played with the cats. Music on the list for today…. Done half my physio exercises. Better get moving,

@heartathome you are very loving, thank you. Hope you are well.

💙🙏💙🙏💙🙏💙🍎

thank you for the effort and support @heartathome  @DownMoreThanUp @Appleblossom 😊

No effort @REDLINEZ750 ! 💛

@Bunniekins same, I don't follow NRL either!

@ENKELI  xxx  

@Bunniekins @Ru-bee @ENKELI @DownMoreThanUp 

not a rugby fan either 

something about a Barassi line …lol

am Aussie enough to remember my father mentioning it in Sydney when the rugby fans were being very loud across the street. I was about 9. 

but I do have mad rugby mum in my street. Daughter keeps getting black eyes and broken noses but plays for top team

@Appleblossom I had heard the name Ron Barassi before but thought he was an AFL footballer. Oops wrong code! 🤣

@ENKELI Lol.. I must be older than you..lol…way before A replaced the V in VFL.

my Aussie side doesn’t come out to play much, but its buried deep inside.  Lol

@heartathome I think the CPTSD Label can be a better lens to view personal struggles and helpful to access services and is far less pathologising than the other labels from the DSM. I accept it for myself.

I've been loving reading the conversations that have been going on here.

To keep things going I wanted to share Fabian's story next:

“Talk to someone. Talk to whoever you have to. Once you get it out, it’s so much easier”

You can read Fabian's story here.

Fabian speaks to how important it was for him to talk to those around him, and how it felt easier once he was able to open up. I'm wanting to hear from you guys: Have you had a similar experience when you were able to talk more openly about your mental health? 

What was something that helped you to feel able or ready to have that first conversation?

@Appleblossom @heartathome @ENKELI @Bunniekins @REDLINEZ750 @DownMoreThanUp @Moose123 @Chasingsunsets 

Absolutely @Ru-bee . For the first year of therapy I couldn't open up and talk. I did have a journal though and used to give him a part of my journal to read but didn't want to talk about what I'd written. It was the only way I could communicate about my feelings at the time. It was the first time I had spoken about feelings. I knew sad, mad and glad. That much I knew. I've come a long way from 26 years ago. I still speak to my therapist monthly. I've always found support on here although my brain tells me that no one likes me. I know it's not true and I have to confront that 13-year-old rebellious child within at times! Talking to people who understand and have a lived/ living experience makes all the difference in the world! This internet forum is a new chapter in my journey and so far, so good, thanks to everyone's kindness! I feel like I've found my tribe! Sorry I've rambled on. Thanks for the tag! 😁💛

This made me so happy to read!! You are absolutely a part of our tribe and we love all that you bring to the table. @heartathome 

PS: YES, let that inner rebel roar!! 😍

@Appleblossom hey, I remember the VFL!! I am also old enough to remember a time when WA didn't have a footy team. They still only have 1 team - the Dockers! 🤣🤣🤣

LOl @ENKELI I think it is hilarious, cos my footie engagement for the last 40 years has been close to zilch, but I guess we cant totally escape our pasts.  I have been to one grand final in teens and played 2 footie matches myself, and took my son to VicKick. I tried to pass on the traditions, but non Aussie sides of the family dominated.  In some ways there can be an Aussie cultural cringe, which is sad.My mother said I had an Australian accent and she was not being complimentary! I actually love contemporary Australian literature, especially in last 30 years.  

Awesome @Ru-bee thanks again for the tag. I like that quote you mentioned from the video 😊, that’s what stuck out to me when watching it too. 🙏

@heartathome that is so lovely to hear your story, look at how resourceful you were when you found it hard to talk you found another way to communicate with your psych so they knew what was going on. That’s so awesome.

So good to hear you are loving the forum! So am I, everyone here are pretty awesome hey 😊 

sorry everyone my support button hasn’t been working just want to know I support you all 🙏

@Appleblossom @ENKELI @REDLINEZ750 @DownMoreThanUp @AuntGlow 

@Ru-bee I don't relate to this as I have always been open about my mental health with friends and family. I am blessed with a support network that is accepting of my diagnosis xoxo

@heartathome writing/journaling was one of the first ways i started to get more comfortable with communicating too, i'm glad to hear it helped you feel heard ✨

thank you all for following along and sharing your stories 💙

today i'll be sharing Ali's story, which you can watch here.

“Speaking up doesn’t make you less of a man. It makes you human.”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-7h0l7QhTOY

talking about emotions can be really important, but for some, it can be challenging to take that first step. Ali mentions how sometimes he's save the conversation for a drive as it made the other person more comfortable in opening up. this leads me to my question:

how do you support and encourage others to open up? what helps you feel safe/comfortable to open up? (i.e. are there certain environments that make a difference, do you do regular check-ins, certain words/tone/body language, preference around text or face-to-face, etc)

@Appleblossom @heartathome @ENKELI @Bunniekins @REDLINEZ750 @DownMoreThanUp @Moose123 @Chasingsunsets @The-red-centaur @MJG017 @Shaz51 + feel free to tag anyone who'd be interested in sharing 😊

Thanks @rav3n, I like where Ali mentions he has used car rides to have chats to ‘change the picture’ and if it didn’t seem like a direct face to face conversation could be had or sensing discomfort, just changing the environment/ space and how that can help a conversation. Was definitely a good point 😊

@rav3n I have always been a person that others come to, to confide in. I was a team leader at Telstra and I had training on coaching and counselling skills and carried that over into my personal life. As a result my friends and colleagues have always felt comfortable talking to me. I think most of us have inter personal gifts to share with others, being a confidante appears to be mine.

@ENKELI that's really lovely that people are comfy confiding in you! i have noticed that some people have that sort of energy that just invites warm conversations, how lucky are we to have you share that care on the forums too 💙

@Chasingsunsets i really liked that too! in the past i've had a few convos at the dining table, which felt almost like an interview/interrogation... but i do recall having some great convos in the car and on walks. change of scene really does make a difference 💙

@rav3n it can be a double edged sword though because it can be mentally exhausting. I've had to step away at times when I feel depleted. It happens with people who are quite negative in their outlook. I had to end a 2 year friendship with a young girl I had been mentoring as she could never see the positive in each day. At 22 she thought she knew better than me (I'm 57 in January) and she refused to take advice.

I have to learn the warning signs of emotional vampires. 

Fortunately I have a trusted friend who I can confide in and that helps greatly!

@rav3n @ENKELI 

oh yep absolutely, we all have our limits/capacity! glad you've caught onto the warning signs and taken a step back when needed @ENKELI. ofc the confidant needs their own confidant too hehe ✨

@rav3n I thank Sane for teaching me how recognise the signs of being worn out, and what to do when it happens. It's the lovely support team like yourself that I have great admiration for because y'all have helped me navigate my way through my emotions and I am a lot better at stepping back with respect  ❤️ 🌹🌹❤️